You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
