I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
