My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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