In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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