do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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