I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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