You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
