Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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