I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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