Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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