You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
