Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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