boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
