So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
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we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
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Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
All the doctor said was why
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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