pop tarts are not kleenex
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
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When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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