beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
