I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
