I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
