grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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