his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
