my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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