Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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