you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
