If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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