The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sarcasm needs its own font
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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