I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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