it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
