I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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