He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
third nipple confirmed
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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