i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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