he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
