Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
