Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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