first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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