Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
