Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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