My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
