I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
