Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
