You're my little dorito
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
