I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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