If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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