Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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