I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
