He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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