Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
