I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
