i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
