How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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