Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
