doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
