1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
