Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
