Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
