i think my tv is drunk
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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