Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
How does one acquire holy water?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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