he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
