if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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