I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
