I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
