Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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